Today, I am writing to you from the most magical desert-beach-land-oasis in Cabo, where I have been doing nothing but yoga, running, writing, connecting with incredible humans, and doing some intensely personal work on my mind, body, soul and heart.
So yes, I’ve been doing a lot. I have even been RELAXING. Imagine that. 😉
(Sorry that there are no photos in this life. Internet is wonky, but I can’t wait to share all my pics when I am back! There are a few on my Instagram so far.)
Yoga retreats are an amazing way to travel, because in a way that you simply cannot do in the hustle and bustle of your daily life, you are able to draw INWARD. You are able to reflect, breathe, feel, crave, connect and BE.
I’ve needed that… so, so badly. After a few days of unwinding and tapping into it all, I feel like I am ready to share a bit with you. I still have a ways to go — but my heart feels open, and I have more clarity than I have in a long while.
I hardly know where to begin because there is so much going on in my mind. But I will try.
I left Los Angeles four days ago with my emotions running high, my energy running low, and so many doubts and fears in my head. “I shouldn’t be going away, I don’t have time, I will have to work the whole time I’m there, I miss Hudson already, my business needs me here, I won’t be able to relax, it will be a waste because I won’t be fully present…” the list goes on and on.
Then there was the inner dialogue about my personal life, frustrations, challenges, heartbreak, arguments with people I am close to, the corners of my friendships where I feel like I’m not doing enough. Not being enough.
And of course there were the larger overarching life anxieties. What if I can’t maintain what I am doing or I make a bad business decision that ruins everything? What if my creativity just STOPS? What happens if I stop feeling fulfilled? What if, what if, what if?
Then I got here, and it wasn’t instant… TRUST me, it wasn’t, but I started to unwind and let some of that go.
The first night, after our first yoga practice, I found it a little easier to let go of a couple of things on my mind. Not let go entirely, but let go of the death grip I had on them. My worries, my fears, my doubts, my anxieties, my emotions.
Just a liiiiiittle, little.
But still when we got back to our room I jumped on my computer, tried to send through some photos for work, tried to send through some texts & photos to my family/friends, and stayed up nearly half the night panicking about life, being gone, etc.
I know it sounds extreme, but when you look at all of your fears & doubts on their own, they really do feel intensified. And when you are able to break free from them, even a little, you can look back on them with a much clearer lens.
(In other words, I wouldn’t have told you on Sunday that I was a bundled mess of nerves… I didn’t even know that I was, because I have been so used to feeling that way.)
Flash forward a couple of days.
Yoga twice a day, some great beach runs, a 90 minute hot stone massage, conversations with so much depth and meaning, strolls on the beach in Cabo where I have so many memories with my family (especially my dad), journaling, 3 vegetarian meals a day prepared with love, being surrounded by my dear friends (old and new), observing the interactions of people who are all here for different reasons and getting so much out of unplugging, trusting that what is going on back at home is all fine and will still be there when I get back… #yes.
All of it has been helping me, piece by piece, let go of the death grip I have on life. Of the WHAT IFS? And beyond that, it’s been allowing me to TAP IN to what I do want.
You feel me? Instead of focusing on my fears and the what ifs that could potentially happen if something goes wrong, I have been focusing on the what ifs that could potentially happen if I ALLOW them into my life.
And there are a lot.
There is so much I want to do, to see, to accomplish; so much in this life that I crave. I crave something so deep and meaningful it feels impossible to even put words to it.
Beyond work and the things I get lost in in my day to day — what about fulfilling my soul? Crazy to say, I know, because the work that I do feeds my soul. That’s why I DO it. But what about more?
For the last several months I have been very fearful of the question “what’s next”? I don’t know what’s next, because this journey has been so incredible and twisty-turvy and unexpected, and so much has already happened… And what direction will it go next?
After the work I have been doing to tap into myself, to tune in to what is going on inside (BEYOND the anxieties + surface-level emotions), I feel closer to knowing what that direction may be, and that is what is feeding my soul this week.
If I had to sum it up in three words: creativity, forgiveness, trust.
Each of those words holds huge significance for me right now. It is time to pour my creativity back into my LIFE… Pursuing passion projects, spending time doing the things I sometimes view as “not worthy” of my precious time because they’re not work related, and making sure that every ounce of what I do is full of passion.
It will be about exploring new avenues of doing what I love — and a few of those are already happening. I have made two big decisions in the last month or so that I now realize are SO SPOT ON for what I need and want. Maybe my next post will be about both of those. 🙂
Forgiveness: huge. Forgiving myself, forgiving others in my life who I feel hurt by, forgiving situations and actions that are out of my control. With forgiveness comes the peace that I need in order to flourish creatively, to love and to trust.
Trust… This is my big one. My mantra. We had a journaling session last night, led by the AMAZING Laura Conley & Jocelyn Solomon (a.k.a SHINE TRIBE), and the mantra that I came to for myself is: I trust myself.
I trust that I am on the right path, I trust that I can handle the situations I find myself in, I trust that my voice matters, I TRUST that what I am doing counts. I trust that the deep connection I have with my people will always be there, I trust that if I follow my soul then only goodness will come, and I trust that what is meant for me will not pass me by, and what is NOT meant for me will pass with ease.
I feel reawakened to a lot of subtle truths & feelings about my life that I had sort of worked to shut off.
I also feel inspired by a lot of the things going on around me here in Cabo: specifically the connection between our yoga teacher Jocelyn and two of her longtime best friends who are here. Their friendship reminds me of mine with my best friends from high school, my soul sisters, and every day I think about what we might be doing in 20 years, where we will be in our lives, and the ways that we will connect.
I can only hope that we are vacationing together in Mexico… Maybe on a yoga retreat lead by one of us. Maybe it will be me. 🙂
I am open to the universe, and I am open to trusting myself. I feel so grateful for my PEOPLE, and for being able to use yoga as a method of healing, gratitude and reconnection.
The physical & spiritual aspects of yoga that are bringing me SO MUCH CLARITY are something I will touch on in another post (many to come about this retreat)… but for now I had to catch you up to speed on what’s been going on in my mind.
I love you all. (And I’d like to live on a yoga retreat forever, k?)