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PATIENCE & HEALING

09.11.18

balance

PATIENCE when you’re healing is a very tricky thing. Especially when you’re wired to be go, go, go like I am and the world is always telling us to do MORE is to be rewarded.

What ever happened to the art of doing less?

Years before I got really sick I was attracted to the idea of doing less, but somehow I continued to do the opposite & really just piled my plate higher and higher. Building my brand, saying yes to every opportunity, going on every trip, doing every photo shoot, saying yes to every plan and birthday dinner and event and teacher training, doing it all.

But now that I am actually very sick, doing less is my only option. I have a hard time with it. It’s a love-hate. When I have days where I’m doing too much (because yes, those days still happen far too often) I miss my days in bed and yearn for the comfort of an open schedule, but sometimes when I’m resting and healing I get antsy and crave adventure and stimulation.

Like I said… it’s tricky!

Resting and healing from Lyme disease is one thing. It’s different for everyone, but for many people it can take YEARS. Because it is such a drawn out process, it’s considered more chronic than acute. With chronic illness you have good days and bad, so on those good days you can still go out and power through. On good days I love to hit up yoga classes, go on a hike, spend time with friends, and work on all things TBB.

And then on the down days, I rest. But resting and healing from things that do not have “up and down days” like Lyme, is where the real tests have come in for me.

What are those things, you ask? Great question.

A few months ago it was the water fast I did in Northern California, where I legitimately was unable to get out of bed for weeks on end except to walk in circles around my bed every few hours to make sure I wasn’t getting blood clots. I did the water fast for Lyme, head to toe eczema, and to shrink my fibroids ( it didn’t shrink them, sadly. )

And now, it’s recovering from fibroid surgery, otherwise known as an abdominal myomectomy — a surgery I just had this past FRIDAY. So yes… I have been down for the count in a whole new way.

I will do a full blog post ( or probably several, let’s be real ) breaking down the fibroid surgery, why I had it, my hospital stay, and my recovery — not to mention a full YouTube video because I’ve been filming the whole process — but for now I really just want to focus on this whole element of patience.

I know people reading may or may not be able to relate to fibroid surgery but we can ALL relate to this tricky thing with patience. It can be a real beast for many of us.

Many times I have had to ask myself: Why am I so scared of doing less? Why am I so afraid of pulling back, of saying no, of resting and healing, of being patient with my time, of accepting that now is not my time to say yes to everything and take every opportunity?

Logically I know the answer, that now is my time to rest. I have one body, and I need to take care of it. But I really think the fear comes from a very deep place of feeling like saying no & slowing down now will mean that every opportunity will vanish. And that’s just not true.

If I say no to something now and the opportunity doesn’t come back my way, then it simply wasn’t meant to be. I spent SO MANY YEARS saying yes to everything & getting myself really, really sick because of it. I believe that doing things that don’t match our vibrational energy completely do make us sick. Maybe that’s not what gave me Lyme disease or fibroids but it certainly wore my immune system down to the point where I was no longer able to fight these things off like someone else may have been.

So, patience. How to cultivate it in times like these?! It takes a LOT of drawing inward.

Last night I found myself in my bathroom on the phone with Jonathan ( who was still at work ) telling him I was going to take a shower and get in bed and asking if he could bring us açaí bowls for dinner. Immediately he said, “Is your mom there?” And I said, “No! I was just going to shower on my own.” But the moment the words were out of my mouth I realized… That is a terrible idea. I can barely even stand, why am I trying to take a shower and wash my hair by myself already?

That is just one instance of trying to move so much faster than I need to be. It’s like that saying getting “too big for your britches” — I am the epitome of getting too big for my britches during a healing process.

Very similar, when I stopped being vegan and began to recover from orthorexia I reintroduced non-vegan foods into my life SO FAST (#bigformybritches) and gave myself a stomach ulcer and serious hormonal imbalances. And maybe even a fibroid? That one is up in the air.

So right now I am in the process of trying to be patient. I am dying to go outside, but it is too soon to walk anywhere beyond walking around my apartment. I am dying to work on my memoir, but my brain is all fuzzy and it is hard to type because I can’t sit up yet! I am dying to go to the grocery store or even just walk to coffee… but I need to remember all of that will be there when I am ready. There is no RUSH.

Are you someone who struggles with this as well? I think it’s a perfectionist thing. I am a Reflector by Human Design, which means I am pretty lax and flowy, but that doesn’t mean I am not totally Type A.

I wanted to share because this is an important thing we can all ask ourselves. Where does the fear come from? Fear of not doing enough? I truly want to be an advocate for the SLOW life… I am trying, and I have so much to learn. To me, living slow feels beautiful. A lot of you have introduced me to “slow living” accounts on Insta that are incredibly inspiring to me. Keep them coming if you know of any!

Slow living means living for YOU, first and foremost. For your friends and family and fur babies yes, but in a way that ignites your soul. For me that means keeping my schedule really, really open and having lots of time to take it easy. Especially right now. That inner programming to push myself so hard has just gotta go.

I look forward to feeling a bit better and putting this all into practice, as life in bed is very much like living life on the sidelines. This year has given me a major taste of that. But for now at least I am very grateful for the ability to rest, and will continue to do just that as much as I can.

I will be over here resting and trying as hard as I can not to work / be on social media / be “on” at all. Taking all the good Netflix recs. 🙂