Reflections on Turning 28: Manifesting, the Blessing of Darkness, & The Year Ahead

10.11.18

Health

Today I turn 28.

I am sitting at Soho House in New York City journaling my heart out, sipping a cold brew with almond milk (my second, shhhh), drinking a blueberry & broccoli smoothie (don’t knock it til ya try it), I have 3 books cracked open on the table, and my fiancé is by my side.

Out the window we have a gorgeous view of the Meatpacking District, which has always been my favorite neighborhood, ever since I wandered into a DVF store down the block when I was 15. We have nothing on the agenda today until the GLA Lyme Gala tonight — it is one of the biggest honors of my lifetime to attend a benefit on my birthday no less that raises awareness and funds for a cause that has so greatly impacted my life.

If I had written what my dream life at 28 would look like a few years ago, this would be it. It is pretty unbelievable to think about the power of manifestation and turning thoughts into reality.

I have always been the kind of girl who is fueled by two things: PASSION, and love. Passion for writing, work, yoga, people, love, learning, spirituality, and so much more. And love on a very deep level: romantic and friendship and family. If I had envisioned my dream life at 28, it would be full of both of those things.

One of my biggest fears in life was always not finding my person. THE PERSON who gets me inside and out, who synapses my soul, who sees me beyond my human self on this Earth by really seeing ME deep inside and everything I am and will always be. I could not have dreamt up a life partner more perfect for me than Jonathan. I pinch myself daily (10 times a day) that he is my fiancé, that we are spending the rest of our lives together, that he knows me on a soul level, that he will be the father of my babies and we will create a family and a life together beyond our wildest dreams.

Without love and passion this year would have been a dark one. Actually to be radically honest, it was still a dark one. It begs the question… how can a life with SO MUCH LIGHT, so much love, so much passion and happiness and excitement and support rooted in such deep spirituality and self-work, be clouded with so much darkness still?

The universe found a way to test me and bring me the blessing of extreme darkness — I say blessing because that’s exactly what it is. It’s making me stronger every day and giving me the perspective of a lifetime. Without this illness, the havoc it has wreaked on my body and my mind, I don’t know that I would have the same appreciation or worldview on the simple things in life. At this point… TWO things matter to me, and only two: (you can guess by now…) passion and love.

As long as I am doing something I love, enjoying my days, fitting in the things that set my soul on fire, I am happy. Coupled with being surrounded by the ultimate love from the love of my life, my family, and my friends — it is enough. I could lose everything beyond those two things and I would be completely fine.

This year has taught me to surrender. All of the control I thought I had, I had to let it go. Control around my schedule, my routine, my food, my body, my work, people around me, travel, exercise, free time, health… I mean ALL control. And once you spin out of control there is no going back. It’s like you’re catapulted into an entirely new reality — a place where your old self no longer exists and so many layers have been shed you are exposed to the bone. It is as refreshing as it is terrifying, and you realize you can’t ever go back. And nor do you want to. You see things through new eyes, rainbow kaleidoscope eyes on even the darkest of days, learning that time doesn’t exist and material things do not matter in the least and that love is the only emotion that is even remotely real.

See, BLESSING.

In the span of one year, I… blew up in full body hives and came down with a fatigue that can only be described as my physical body rejecting being here on this Earth by shutting the absolute F down. Fell into a deep dark mental state as a result of my body turning its back on me (or so it felt). Had an identity crisis and removed myself from almost all of my brand partnerships. Got ahead on my podcast so that I could spend an entire month in Bali by myself, living like a local, trying to find my health again. Opened up psychically and couldn’t help but channel entire notebooks full of poetry, channeled words from those who have passed, and inspirations for new projects.

Water fasted for an entire month post-Bali in Northern California, marking the longest I have ever been away from Jonathan and Huddy. Got diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease, mold poisoning, MCAS, parasites, MTFHR, and more. Began a rigorous treatment plan that I pay thousands per month out of pocket for while also cutting way back on my work. Began to say NO to everything / everyone who did not serve me. Shed more layers. Got engaged to the love of my life. Found a new perspective and way of life on the island of Kauai.

Started to plan a wedding. Realized who really mattered to me. Had a deep, intense, mind blowing, amazing channeling experience on the plane to NYC this week — the first major channeling session since I was in Bali — and started to see things through a deeply transformational lens.

The main thing I have learned this year: I am my own healer. Everything I need is within me.

I know my purpose, and I want to shout it from the rooftops. This year is all about cultivating a bit more inner knowing in my life without immediately blasting it out to the world the second it flies into my head. It’s about being present, slowing down, and being IN the journey rather than living in the future.

This will be a year to soak in. Wedding planning, being surrounded by our closest loves, and approaching an absolutely massive pivot in my business and brand.

Taking you guys along for the ride is my greatest honor. Having you here means everything.

If you’re in NYC, come celebrate my belated birthday with me this Saturday October 13th at Hu Kitchen at 3pm. We will be there until 4:30. It will be magic in the purest form to connect with all of you in person.

Thank you. Thank you for being here and reading my soul. All I do is pour it onto the page and hope for the best. I don’t even proof read. I realize I am not your average blogger, so thank you for being here despite that. Something tells me if you’re here, we’d be best friends in real life (and in many ways we are).

I also realize I am not your average podcaster. Did you guys know that I say “no” to every single PR pitch and guest pitch for my podcast that comes through my email or Instagram? I hand pick every guest and every brand sponsor, and I do it based entirely on intuition. I am not saying this way is any better or worse than saying “yes” to the pitches that come in — I’m just saying I am different and I am aware of it. And I am glad, because it fuels me. To me the podcast has never been about the money — neither has this blog, which is why I know it will always be a constant in my life. It’s one of my lifelines. If every brand partner went away, nothing here would change.

My soul doesn’t let me do things that are not entirely, one hundred and eleven percent aligned.

And if you feel the same way, well… let’s just say I have a lot of fun things coming your way this year. And they will require me to massively PIVOT, as I mentioned. 🙂

Love y’all. Love to my fellow Libras (HAPPY BDAY TO US) and my fellow 10/11 babies. Love you all, a LOT. Intro yourself below if you haven’t yet… or even if you have. I wanna know you!! XOXOXO