On Friday morning I found myself feeling really low. I mean like, REALLY low.
I was scheduled for a podcast that day, had a birthday dinner to go to, and had several other plans throughout the weekend. I’ve scheduled myself pretty heavily for the coming week as I have my upcoming oral surgery (for Lyme cavitations) on July 30th & my monkey mind always finds it so “important” to get a lot of work out of the way before being down for the count for a while post-surgery.
While I was getting ready for my podcast interview I got a text from Jonathan asking me to swing by a store to get a gift for the dinner we were going to.
It wasn’t just the text alone (totally reasonable request), but something in me snapped. The tightly wound ball I had crammed myself into to get through the week (month/year) was quickly unraveling. I was in my bathroom washing my face and just started sobbing. Like… really, really sobbing.
I was sobbing because I was so exhausted I could barely move. Because getting out of bed that morning was absolutely miserable and my entire body was in searing pain. Because I want to be a helpful fiancé who says yes to little favors and can actually get things done. Because I am so sick of being a sick person who can’t do anything normally and who doesn’t want to be anywhere ever except for in bed.
Because it was hitting me that Jonathan’s birthday is this coming week and I don’t have anything planned — and even if I did plan something, I would be a mess anticipating it all week because of how awful I feel.
Sobbing because THAT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE ME. I don’t feel like myself. Healthy Jordan would have this all figured out, handling it all, it would all be a piece of cake. But this Jordan feels like a mess. And what I’ve come to realize is I am all of it… I don’t have to label myself one way or the other. I am ME. There is no “healthy Jordan” to get back to — this is my current normal. This is my life. My one and only life to get used to and fall in love with.
So I sobbed and sobbed. J texted me back saying everything was more than fine and he could get the gift and not to worry about planning anything for his birthday at all. That everything is completely perfect as it is, that I put too much pressure on myself, and that everything is working out just the way it’s supposed to.
How’s that for an amazing fiancé? I mean… he’s perfect. For me. That’s another story for another day.
Anyway the truth is this whole thing has been so hard. Luckily my podcast guest on Friday was my dear friend and also my life guru and reiki master Kelsey Patel — one of the small handful of people I can be COMPLETELY myself with and share my absolute truest of truths with. We had a wonderful time chatting and catching up and soul gazing. She is my person, my soul family, and I feel so lucky.
But then Friday evening I fell back into a slump. On the way to the dinner I laid (yes, laid down) in the car with tears in my eyes. Going anywhere is a struggle. My joints were on fire. I had a migraine. My jaw was throbbing. This is a daily occurrence but sometimes it’s just so much worse than other times.
As I was laying all the way down in the car listening to J’s favorite music (Kid Cudi) and trying to pull it together, he said to me, “You need to get back to your meditation. Your crystals. Do more spiritual things. Make less plans. Do more yoga. Sleep more. Stop with the pressure on yourself.”
And it hit me… SO HARD.
This whole thing has been a massive learning experience because I realized that when I am feeling my lowest, I “punish” myself (unknowingly) by completely turning my back on my spiritual practice.
When I am feeling like absolute crap from Lyme and co-infections and pain and beyond, what I need is my spiritual connection. What I need is self care and love. What I need is my soul’s connection and my own self love.
But what I tend to give myself is the exact opposite.
I get stressed about not feeling well so I put pressure on myself to do more. I grab my phone when I wake up to check in on the course sales rather than wake up and meditate. I make plans with my friends because I get scared that being this sick will just isolate me when really I need rest/alone time without the fear of isolation. Because this is fleeting — it’s not my life forever. And I need to treat it that way so I can get the rest and care I so deserve.
I typed this into my phone when we got to the restaurant (with J’s encouragement) and it inspired this whole post:
Sometimes I like to share the background stories with you like this because you see that this blog is truly just my online diary. I have the major pleasure of getting to share my thoughts with you, and I know so many people out there feel this way.
If you are in pain and you are suffering from a chronic illness, I get it. The “chronic” part of chronic illness is SO HARD. So hard to reconcile. Years have passed and I still feel this way… it still shocks me. Every time.
So my saving grace is my spiritual practice.
Remembering that I am an eternal soul.
Reconnecting to my spirit and my light beings and my angels.
Channeling the pleiadians (beautiful beings of light who want us all to feel light and love and high vibes.)
Resting and listening to high vibrational music.
Focusing on the law of attraction to bring myself back to alignment.
Time with my love and my Huddy man.
Less pressure on myself.
YOGA or stretching at home even when my body isn’t up for a full blown class.
Taking baths and programming my crystals.
Napping with my crystals on my chest.
Massages, facials, lymphatic drainage, acupuncture, cupping.
Watching Real Housewives or Vanderpump Rules or something similar because it ZONES my brain out.
I want to share this so that if you feel this way too you know you’re not alone.
Also, I want to let you know that today is the final day to sign up for my course — Waking Back Up To Your Own Soul. This course never would have happened without my health hitting absolute rock bottom.
Once I hit my absolute breaking point, I learned how to reconnect to my soul and my spirit.
And as you can see from this post, the journey HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT. I still fall off the wagon.
But isn’t it nice to know we are all human?
And if you choose to do this course with me, then you know you are learning from a friend. A peer. Someone going through the journey with you. I am careful to say I am not a teacher or a guide – I am a story teller. I am a 28-year-old with Lyme diving deep into my soul and learning so much. I am here to do this WITH you.
This will likely be the only time I offer this course with live elements like the four live webinars / Zoom calls, a live interaction FB group (with me), and the fun giveaways I am still doing with brands like REBBL, Four Sigmatic, Philosophie, and more.
Leave any questions below! About this course, Lyme, my story, etc. HERE FOR YOU… we’ve got this and we will heal. So, so much love.
Also… such a huge shoutout to this man right here. It hasn’t been an easy journey but he makes it all so much easier by being there and being mine. I don’t know what I would do without him. He brings me back to my soul and my spiritual practice every time… even when I completely forget or won’t allow myself to do so.
No idea why we punish ourselves in this way but it’s definitely a think. So wild. So much love to everyone out there in the same or similar boat. <3