Guys, HIIII!! I am writing this post by the ocean, listening to the calming vibration of the waves crashing against the shore in Malibu and feeling the cool ocean breeze on my skin. Sipping a black iced tea drowning in stevia of course. And listening to the birds chirping and playing. It is a foggy day, my favorite, because it means it’s officially the beginning of fall. And it’s also the first day of Libra season, and you know how I feel about that!!! As much as I love fall I have to admit I am trapped in multiple blankets right now because anything under 75 degrees chills my California soul to the bone, lol.
I am setting the scene for you because this vibe by the ocean makes my soul feel ALIVE. I have been in a mental and physical rut this summer, I guess we can just get into it. But now, with the onset of this new season and what I know to be a true shift having taken place within me, I am slowly beginning to feel so much more like myself. I feel like ten million bricks have been lifted off of my chest, especially with the shifts that took place after this week’s Pisces full moon. I feel like myself again, but a new self — a new me after walking through the fire. Also I am kind of like… How many times does one human have to walk through the fire?! It’s an ever-evolving part of the human journey, I supposed. But here we are. 🙂
The rut I experienced this summer was a combination of a lot of things. A lot of it was, you guessed it, pregnancy related. I love new experiences (and I PRAYED for this experience, so I am grateful no matter what) but when they have to do with my body rapidly changing and my pain and discomfort levels increasing dramatically — and then a bunch of my usual healing modalities are taken off the table — it takes me some time to adjust!! Being such a highly sensitive person in my body has definitely made all of the feelings and emotions in pregnancy feel more significant than I ever imagined they would.
So, the pregnancy updates. I am officially 27 weeks pregnant this Saturday, which means I am just a week away from being in my third trimester! HOW! I realize now more than anything that pregnancy is a journey into the soul in and of itself. This is why they say in most spiritual teachings that pregnancy is what prepares you for motherhood, because now all of the sudden the mother’s life is no longer just about her. Her body is taken over, literally and figuratively, and her every move starts to be different because now her life is about someone else — who suddenly and immediately feels so much more important and fragile in every way!
You guys, you know me. I am a rebel by design. Typically I do the opposite of what I am told. So being pregnant and now having my baby boy’s needs to put before my own, I find myself being a lot more cautious. For example, so much of what has been a huge part of my healing is not accessible for me in pregnancy. A few of those things have been infrared sauna, cryotherapy, cupping, psychedelics, ketamine IV’s, hot yoga (my daily practice since I was 14!!), medicinal mushrooms, adaptogens, International travel (I MISS YOU BALI), the list goes on. I always thought that it would be so easy to give all of that up when I got pregnant, or that I would be my usual rebellious self and do most of it anyway, but here we are. I have not felt comfortable doing any of those things, which has led me to lean into new ways of coping. Ultimately it’s been good because it’s taught me a lot to find new ways to cope, but I cannot say that it has been easy.
They say it’s common to be ultra careful in your first pregnancy, and that’s totally how I have been. I have barely even gotten on a plane in the last 7 months!! Only twice for very specific circumstances. I haven’t gotten my nails done, I didn’t touch caffeine for the first trimester, I have opted out of most large gatherings except for a few very important and special weddings, you guys get the picture! And honestly a lot of that has been a RELIEF and a breath of fresh air. I realized when I got pregnant that I was still operating under such extremely high stress at all times. Needing to be everything to everyone, to be everywhere, to make my business the best it can be, overcommit and overachieve in all the ways. Although I have slowed down a lot over the years I realized I still had/have such a long way to go.
So most of this, dare I say it, has been a very good thing! I feel like I am getting a crash course in motherhood, and I can hope in some ways that my postpartum journey may be easier (I am manifesting this) because I have gone through so many difficult emotions throughout the whole pregnancy. Who knows if this is just wishful thinking but it makes sense to me that it could be true.
I wanted to write this post because I want to tell you guys the ways that I have put myself back together again, and have found my happiness again after feeling really out of sorts for several months.
How I have found my happiness after a hard few months:
But not just found my happiness, I have found a new happiness. A stronger, more grounded, more resilient one. That is such an important thing to remember. That when we really go through the wringer, we become so much more resilient. I am not simply feeling happier now, I am feeling pretty damn unshakeable. I have seen some DARK days, between Lyme and now having a harder time adjusting to a new phase of life, and I know everyone here has been through their own type of darkness. Maybe you haven’t, and if that’s the case… maybe you’re avoiding feeling it? Lol.
I am so freaking grateful for the dark days, because they are paving way for me to see and feel and experience so much new light. This morning I felt like I was chained to my bed because my back pain was SO BAD and I also have been getting no sleep this week. I had a migraine, brain fog, pinched nerve pain radiating through my body, the whole works. It also reminded me of Lyme, which is never fun and always hard to get past. So I recognized my old pattern creeping up, “You should just stay in bed, save your energy, don’t move around because it might hurt too bad, let’s just scroll Instagram and serve the community here by posting etc etc” and I realized no, that’s the toxic pattern that I want to get out of!
So instead, I read a few chapters of a good book I am into right now and then peeled myself out of bed to do a short Melissa Wood Health prenatal flow. Key word: short. I felt like my energy had been sucked out of me into the earth before I started. I’m telling you the only thing that got me out of bed was the sheer knowing that if I stayed in bed, it was about to be a really depressing day. But then, once I got moving, and the cracks started happening in my body and my joints started loosening up, and then my heart rate rose a bit and I started to sweat… I started to feel alive again. Energetic, even! And then you know what happens from there once the endorphins start flowing. Everything starts to get better.
One huge thing I want you guys to know (especially if you have chronic illness or are having a tough pregnancy) is that you do not have to bust your ass in a workout to get the mental health benefits of an endorphin rush. You also don’t have to have any energy to start a workout. You can crawl your way onto your yoga mat next to your bed like I have done many thousands of times in my life, and just lay in child’s pose. Put on some good music. Usually, almost always, more movement will come. Even just a little bit. And it will feel amazing,
After that morning flow I felt on top of the world. I felt like the energy of the universe was flowing through me, and I started getting downloads right and left. The main download being: we are in control of our own happiness. No one else can do it for us. No one can create it for us, and no one can take it away from us. We are all in control of what makes us feel alive, and it is up to us to DO THAT and go after it.
It’s so simple, really. My personal formula for feeling good is: movement, nature, breathing, writing, gratitude, focus on people I love, presence, repeat.
If I do each of those things every day, I am happy. Today is one of those days. I did 30-ish minutes of movement, I am currently sitting outside by the beach, focusing on my breath, I wrote in my journal for an hour this afternoon, I am feeling DEEP gratitude for my life and all that it is, I have spoken to and spread love to many people I love and care about today (just via text/phone), and Jonathan is meeting me out here in Malibu for dinner tonight so I will put the tech away and just be in the MOMENT with him!
It’s sad for me to think about all of the days, both recently and throughout my life, that much of those things didn’t exist in my day to day life. When I was really sick and also really in pain from the pregnancy I convinced myself that I couldn’t move, I couldn’t exercise or walk, and that it would just make things worse to get outside and leave my bed. I definitely wasn’t focusing on my breath or affirmations, and I was feeling so low I wasn’t practicing a lot of gratitude or presence or really spending quality time with my loved ones. I will say that even on my worst days I continued writing, and that helped me so much.
This morning when I had this realization of my simple personal formula for happiness, I was elated. I cannot even tell you. I already knew all these things, but being reminded how EASY it is to feel good… and how in control I am of it and that no one else can take any of those things away from me… felt revolutionary.
If you listened to my solo episode from yesterday, then you know I have also dealt with a lot of cyber bullying this year. From huge journalists and small internet trolls alike. It has been exhausting, and has left me questioning in many ways do I even WANT a life on the internet? So the realization this morning that struck me in particular was that no one can take my happiness away from me.
When I feel aligned, when I feel free, and open, and happy, and I am putting myself first and what I need — the joy just radiates. It feels so good. And in that case, no amount of judgment or strangers hating on the internet could ever take my peace away from me.
THAT feels good.
So always remember my loves, no one can take your happiness from you + you are in control of your own happiness in every way.
If you are having a hard day, there will always be a better day to follow.
If you feel like the darkness is never-ending, do something to switch up your routine. Commit to YOU. It’s so true that the littlest things in our day are the things that have the power to change our lives.
Some other quick updates: I am feeling super inspired to let the energy of the universe flow through me right now, to create meditations for you guys, write the books that are coming through, get our home ready for baby boy, and allow these shifts permeating in my life to really take hold.
What are you excited about right now? Did you need to hear anything specific in this post that spoke to you? Let me know. 🙂 Love you all so much, and cannot wait to write to you again very soon.