My angels, hiiii! How to even begin the most special, important, dear to my heart, expansive blog post I have ever written? I know I have been so MIA on the blog, and my Instagram post from yesterday really sums up why. This journey of being pregnant has been a beautiful, blissful, miraculous, challenging, surreal rollercoaster of every emotion, feeling & experience. Mostly it’s been just a complete surge of utter gratitude and love for this angel baby coming through.
I suppose I should back up for a moment here and say, in case you don’t follow me on IG or listen to my podcast, I AM PREGNANT!! I am currently 14 and a half weeks, so just inching into the beginning of my second trimester. Keeping quiet about it for the first three months was semi-torturous for someone like me, who has been sharing my life online for the greater portion of my life (yes I am counting my MySpace & Buddy Profile days in middle school, I always say I was born ready to blog, lol) but it was also a really sacred, special time. I am glad I stayed quiet about it because I really didn’t yet have the words. I would have been grasping at straws, trying to say my life is changing rapidly before my eyes & I am just trying to keep up!!
And the truth is, I still don’t have the words! I am still growing into this new version of myself, and getting used to this expanding maternal heart and immediate motherly instinct that is already running rampant inside of me. I used to find it mildly confusing and unrelatable when a woman would say, “Getting pregnant changed me completely, my heart grew instantly, my perspective on life changed entirely,” etc. but NOW I GET IT. NOWWWW I get it! Even before the baby comes, there is a spiritual initiation that takes place. It is so potent and so full of lessons & surrender, it requires your full attention. That’s where I’ve been. That’s why I have been pretty MIA.
My perspective on life has shifted. It had already shifted, so much, after having Lyme disease for the last many years. I had already slowed down immensely, let go of friendships that didn’t feel right, and let go of so many work commitments that were no longer serving me. But being pregnant, and even in the process of getting pregnant, this has all intensified tenfold. I feel like I have a little spirit guide being inside of me showing me what kind of life they want to come into, what kind of mama they want to have, and truly the kind of bullshit that simply DOESN’T matter.
I have questioned a lot so far about my day to day life. Like, do I really want to be working so much and running myself ragged when my baby comes? Noooo, I do not. I care so much about my brand and especially about the blog & you guys, but I do feel innately things are going to SHIFT big time. I am really excited (and somewhat nervous, TBH) to see how that process will unfold.
So far this is super stream of consciousness, but let’s back up here so I can tell you guys more about the journey to how we got here. 🙂 PS I highly recommend listening to the podcast episode with me & Jonathan from last week to hear it ALL!
The conception process //
For years now we’ve known that we couldn’t wait to be parents. In fact Jonathan probably would have been content to become a dad before we even got married, because he was literally born to be a father. He is almost four and a half years older than me, so more of his friends are having kids and he has been ready for this stage of life for a while. And I have always DREAMED of being a mom. For a long time I thought I wanted to be a young mom (like at 25 ish), probably because my parents were both a tad older when they had me. But then… I got sick. Very sick.
And you guys know that saga. From 2017 onward I was fighting for my life, my healing, a cure, fighting to wake up and feel even somewhat like a human on any given day. Every single day with Lyme disease I wanted to rip off my skin. Every day I felt like leaving this earth would be a better option than coping with the pain. As hellacious as it was, I remained hopeful and optimistic deep in my core, because I knew life had more to offer me. I knew one day I would get to be a mom, and that starting a family with Jonathan would be my new chapter.
And here we are. At the new chapter. It is INSANE to me to know I have come this far. Now I am crying. I don’t think I talk enough about the true trauma that Lyme was. How scary and awful and depressing it was to lose everything, to stare at the walls all day and not be able to get out of bed. But one thing above all else motivated me throughout that ENTIRE journey, and that was one day getting well enough to have babies. Healthy babies. And to be a healthy mom with my healthy babies.
Last year, 2020, was really a gift for me and my healing. The year obviously had its challenges, but finally for the first time in my adult life I was able to breathe. Not having to be anywhere, get on a plane, or force myself to show up for things I didn’t feel well enough for, allowed my body, mind, and spirit to REST. I got to go to multiple healing facilities and spend true, real, dedicated energy and time healing my body. By the end of the year, I felt like I was symptom-free and ready to actually start trying to have a baby.
Jonathan, of course, was thrilled!! So in January we started trying. And I kid you not, after our very first try, I felt pregnant. I KNEW I was pregnant. I developed morning sickness, sore boobs, food aversions, exhaustion, and beyond. I felt the baby’s spirit. I felt implantation. I felt it all. I went to my Chinese medicine doctor who is a true psychic witch AND a very talented doctor, and she confirmed the pregnancy. She even knew the gender. She told me not to get on a plane to Miami but I did it the very next day anyway (I wasn’t sure if I was ready to pause my life? But I also trusted her deep in my gut).
And before I could even take a pregnancy test or miss a period, I felt my body losing the baby. After two weeks of frantic energy, trying to take early tests, even trying to weasel my way into a super early blood test (which I did too, and it did, by all western standards, prove that I was pregnant), I felt the crushing loss of losing the baby spirit. I started bleeding the very next day. It was heartbreaking, dark, and I obviously started questioning everything.
On the one hand I knew it was my very first try, so I tried not to be completely disheartened. But on the other hand, I spent two weeks knowing with every fiber of my being that I was pregnant. It was hard not to wonder if it was Lyme that made the pregnancy not last. I wondered intensely if my body just wasn’t going to be able to rise to meet the level of hormones required for pregnancy. I wondered if my body was tainted from being sick for so long. I felt immeasurably weak… physically and emotionally from so many years of battling such a debilitating disease. I just wanted my bright moment… my light at the end of the tunnel.
In February we did not try. I wanted to, but I was completely shook from the first experience. We were also told to wait and for me to take herbs and supplements to heal more Lyme issues before we tried again. I realized I had been ignoring the reality of my health in favor of wanting to manifest it all into being good. THAT is a crushing feeling. One that my Lyme sisters and brothers will know so well. Then in March, we tried again. And I will spare you the details because the SAME thing happened.
Felt pregnant. Got it confirmed. Even found out the gender from a Chinese medicine perspective. Felt the implantation. Then started bleeding… a lot. Lost the baby. And again, it was all so early it didn’t even feel scientifically real to mourn the loss and to feel sad. I felt crushed, weak, and concerned all over again. But this time I stayed more calm, because after January I learned a LOT.
I learned that surrender is of the utmost importance when trying to conceive. That stress is not only a terrible thing for your body and mind, but that from a baby spirit perspective, they do not want to come into a stressful environment. I am not saying you will be punished by the spirits above for being stressed (not at all!!!), but I know that for MY personal journey and MY personal spiritual evolution, my baby spoke to me loud and clear. My baby was not going to come in amidst all of that stress. I was also being super controlling (even down to Astrology signs… truly) and the baby spirit spoke to me and showed me that I had to let ALL of that go in order for them to be open to coming through.
So in April, we tried again. I had millions of conflicting opinions at that point coming in from the Lyme world, Chinese medicine world, family world, friends, etc. — “Try! Don’t try! Just try!! Now is not a good time to try!! Just take your time!! Why not just try?” and I VERY much had to tune out all of that noise and just do what felt right for our family. And what felt right to me and to Jonathan was to try. Particularly for me and the spiritual connection I feel to our baby, I knew that not trying was testing fate. I kept saying that to him. That if we didn’t try… we were messing with something that felt like it was supposed to be happening.
So we tried!! I surrendered all month. I didn’t think I was pregnant. I didn’t feel pregnant, and I didn’t feel implantation. I went to Palm Springs for one of my best friend’s birthdays. I was supposed to get my period that Friday. I got a horrible migraine, usually indicating that my period was coming. It didn’t come. The next day, it didn’t either. Same with the next day.
At that point I knew I was pregnant. I felt nauseous, dizzy, and jittery in Palm Springs. I felt extremely excited and started realizing — THIS IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL!! What I felt before was the lead up. The prep. I knew in my bones that for me personally… it was supposed to be this way. My body was trying to get used to it, and it finally felt like it was ready. The baby spirit was ready too.
I didn’t take a test in Palm Springs because I was pretty traumatized from taking them too early in the previous months. I jetted home Sunday morning and took a test in the comfort of my own home, with Huddy nearby, and IT. WAS. POSITIVE!!!!!
It’s hard to explain how I felt when I saw that positive test. I was both serenely calm and absolutely ecstatic. I was emotional, proud of my body, and in a vortex of time and feeling where I was realizing — I am out of the woods. I am out of my own personal HELL. This is the break I have been waiting for. This is what I have wanted my entire life. All of that mixed with disbelief and mild terror that it wasn’t going to last… all the while with a DEEP knowing that this baby was here to stay. THAT is how it felt.
I filmed myself finding out, which you can see here!! Then I waited an entire week to tell Jonathan (more on that in our podcast episode) because he was out of town and I told him in person. I will do a whole post on how I told him and his reaction next! It’s about time I share his reaction!!!
Heading into the second trimester //
The first trimester was full of FIRSTS. Hearing the heartbeat (most amazing moment), supplements, blood work, experiencing food aversions, cravings, bagels and fruit every day, delving deep into pregnancy nutrition / listening to a lot of opinions & then deciding that my plant based, vegan ways are serving me and this baby just perfectly.
At the end of the first trimester I developed HORRIFIC sciatica. I’m talking like an 11 out of 10 pain. I thought MAYBE that’s what 40 weeks pregnant would feel like. Searing pain in my lower back and down my butt and legs that made it impossible to walk or move!! So that was a lesson in slowing down and listening to my body all over again, and not comparing myself to anyone else. Because typically they say at the beginning of the second trimester you’ll feel AMAZING, have bundles of energy, want to work out, etc. and I just felt like death.
But it seems to be easing up now. 🙂 Daily yoga and some pilates is helping. I have an incredible Doula and an amazing OBGYN (the same doctor who did my fibroid surgery). I am so holistic when it comes to my own health, but with baby I have been surprisingly CAUTIOUS and leaning into a lot of comfort from both western & eastern medicine. It feels really nice to have the influence of both.
I shocked myself with how cautious I have been! I didn’t even get on a plane in my first trimester because every fiber of my being told me to stay GROUNDED for baby and for me. I am really proud of myself for listening to that intuitive voice.
Most of all it’s been such a special time for me and Jonathan (and Huddy!). Savoring these moments as a family of three, and having our freedom as a couple, has been really special. He has been a saint the entire time… but that is nothing new, because pregnancy compared to Lyme has been a breeze for us both. Well, not a BREEZE in every moment, but it’s basically incomparable.
My latest thing is that I just found out I am a carrier for the Tay Sachs genetic mutation. I had never even heard of it until pregnancy. We are waiting for Jonathan’s results and if he is NOT a carrier, we are 100% fine. If he is, we will have to do quite a bit of further genetic testing for the baby. I am nervous but also really hopeful and optimistic — I really feel in my core that this baby is STRONG & healthy. If you’ve been through something similar, I’d love to hear from you. Send good vibes either way!!
Soon I cannot wait to share the gender with you guys when that feels right. What I will say for now is that I have known for years which gender would come through as my first baby…. and I feel like I know the spirit and soul so well already, through lifetimes.
I have SO MUCH more to say, but I will take a pause here. I have loved learning from fellow mamas, people in our TBB community, and those of you who are also pregnant. It feels like such a miracle to be on this journey with such a big handful of you out there. But I am not surprised — I have always felt like our community has evolved together and it’s so cool to see many of you in this same space in life.
I also want to say, if you are trying to conceive and struggling, I am sending you so much love. I pray for you every day. I feel very lucky that our process was not very long and drawn out, but in some ways I feel like my 5 years of Lyme healing were all PREP for this moment in time. I spent years agonizing and wondering if this would be a possibility for me in my body. So I share all of this openly with you guys to show that it is POSSIBLE! Healing is real!!! I feel symptom-free from Lyme and I know, know, know that this baby is healthy. All tests so far point to health. :)))
MORE TO COME SOON. It feels odd to cut it off here, but tomorrow there is a new Pregnancy Q&A up on the podcast that I cannot wait for you to hear that goes even deeper!! Love taking you guys along for this journey and feel so blessed to have you guys as our friends and fam from all over the world. <3
Any questions?! I am happy to answer anything! Love you guys so much and so so grateful to be able to share this journey with you. Now that I am finally blogging about it, expect lots more updates. 🙂 Also request any topics